I planned to write this post for a while. I wanted to talk about everything that has happened in the last few months (honestly, it feels like I haven't settled down in forever). I wanted to talk about how I feel about my life right now (completely and total happiness, honestly). I wanted to talk about my goals and plans for the future and things I feel like I deserve now.
Then something really sad happened.
Robin Williams died on Monday. From what we know, he committed suicide.
Sometimes, when I'm in a particularly weird mood, I will have this weird moment where I'll think, "Someday, everyone who is on Earth right now will be gone." I wonder what it will feel like when people I looked up to and followed when I was 12 (98 degrees), when I was 14 (Elijah Wood, Orlando Bloom), 16 (Harry Potter anyone), and now (Emma Watson, Natalie Dormer, Iwan Rheon) pass away. I feel like there are some people that I cannot imagine dying -- the President or Harrison Ford, people who have always been there.
Robin Williams was one of those actors who has always been there.
"Mrs. Doubtfire" was one of my favorite movies as a kid. I have good memories of watching "Jumanji" and "Jack." And "Aladdin" (I had Princess Jasmine bedsheets! And a Genie sing-a-long tape!). I loved "Patch Adams" when I was older and "One Hour Photo" and "Dead Poets Society." Danny and I were just talking about "Good Will Hunting" and what a good movie it is. "Hook" is one of my all-time favorites. And "The Birdcage" -- a movie that, if it's on tv, I will stop whatever I'm doing to sit down and watch.
Robin Williams was an actor was there when I was little. Sometimes it feels like he was in every single movie I watched! He was like everyone's dad or uncle. He was a father figure. He was very funny and very talented. He just wanted to see everyone laugh.
Which is why it has been hard to realize that he struggled, the way all of us can struggle.
For the past three years, I have struggled with depression. Somedays, it was really, really hard. I remember feeling so low sometimes, I just wanted to get sick so I could take a break. It was hard to admit that I needed more help than I was getting. It was hard to crawl out of the depression I was in. I'm in a much better place in life, but somedays, it seems like I've barely stepped away from the deepest part of my depression.
The absolute truth, the beauty we can find in Robin's life, is that we can all make a difference to each other.
I wish I could gather up all the feelings, all the tributes, all the posts on tumblr talking about how important and talented Robin was, all the grown up kids talking about their love for Hook and Mrs. Doubtfire and Genie, and show it to him: Look! Look what you did! You mattered! You mattered to all of us! None of us can do that. None of us can go back in time.
He made a difference though. He made us laugh and see the beauty inside of each other. And he made us realize, even after death, that sometimes the people in most need are the ones least likely to ask for it.
We can help each other though.
If you ever feel sad, or hopeless, or tired, or like you want to leave, talk to someone. Talk to me. You don't have to do this alone. You matter.
It is ok to be sad right now. It is ok to be sad anytime.
Stay here with us, ok? Stay here with us.