Sunday, February 23, 2014

Where to Go From Here


On Friday, I left my job very suddenly. It wasn't planned, but it happened. 

I've tried hard not to mention it publicly, but I wasn't very happy at my job. I didn't find it exciting; I didn't have enough to do; and I felt like I really didn't fit in at it. For the past year, I've struggled with the worst depression I've ever been in... and I think my attempts to find a place in a job that just didn't fit made it worse and worse. I felt bored and trapped. When I got home, I didn't have energy to do anything. I would binge eat, sit in front of the TV, and feel sorry for myself. I had horrible nightmares and woke up dreading each day. It's incredibly draining to find each day more and more boring and to not see an end to it. 

Needless to say, I'm a bit petrified. On one hand, I'm excited to move away from a job that made me hate myself and to find a career that I love. On the other hand though, I have a mortgage, a power bill, a dog that requires food, and other pressing responsibilities. I'm not at a point in my life where I can just flit about, but at the same time, I'm really done being miserable. It will be nice to have a break, where I can apply for jobs, take on freelance work, and improve my outlook a little bit. 

My first and immediate fear, as I drove away from my job, was of course money. How will I pay my mortgage?!? I immediately started calculating how much money I had in my personal bank account, in our joint bank account, in our savings. When I got home and talked with Danny, he reminded me of something important: we both come from families who love and support us. We don't ask for handouts, but our family is never going to let us (or Remus) starve or go homeless. Not everyone has that kind of support system and it's not something I take advantage of or even want to, but it's comforting to know it's there. I really believe in supporting myself no matter what and via legitimate means.

Obviously, not having a job right now puts a lot of my plans on hold. I had some things planned for the next year of my life that seem a bit, well, hazy right now! That being said, I would rather have the future be a bit hazy than to be continually live in a state of stable and crushing depression. I've already spruced up my resume, written a freelance writing portfolio and pricing sheet, and sent emails to my various freelance contacts. 

Already, on Saturday morning I woke up excited about the day... even though I didn't have anything to do. I cleaned the house, worked out, made myself breakfast, wrote emails, applied to jobs, and dug out my planner to help get myself organized. This is such a huge change to my days off in the past! 

At first, I felt like a failure. I had walked away from a "stable" job feeling depressed and anxious, hating myself and wondering what I was going to do. I feel better now. I feel like this change, as sudden as it is, is the best thing that could have happened to me. It's a kick in the butt. I wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but I feel confident now -- more confident than I have in ages. 


6 comments:

  1. first of all, so so sorry to hear you've been suffering with depression for a while. i completely understand and i am here if you ever want to talk! but CONGRATS for being SO brave and getting yourself out of a bad work environment. if yo weren't happy there then you made the RIGHT decision and i'm proud of you for taking control and making the first step towards your own happiness. money may be tight for a while, but keep your head up - try save where you can and cut back on your spending just for a little while until you find a job you enjoy! you only have one life and i'm glad you're making it one you like!! :) proud of you!
    xxx
    http://eleanorcos.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! The depression has been difficult and working a job that made me feel like less of a person was just so hard. I'm so glad the response has been positive... I felt a bit like a failure at first, but I feel quite good now. Thank you for commenting! I'm really excited for where my life is going!

      Delete
  2. Michelle, I am so sorry about this, but I am really happy for you for listening to yourself and doing what is right is for you. I have always thought of you as courageous and brave, and I am happy to hear that you are feeling so much better already! A fresh start is an amazing thing, even if the road forward is not totally clear. I am so glad you have Danny and such a supportive family, and so happy you are moving toward doing something that makes you happy and fulfilled! Super proud of you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Cameron! It definitely feels like a step in the right direction (even though some moments make me feel super scared and unsure)!

      Delete
  3. Well done for doing what you needed to do! I can completely understand about not being happy in your job at all and it affecting everything - when I was teaching, I felt like that (although I was also very ill at the same time!). You can now focus entirely on finding exactly what you want to do, and I'm sure something great will come up. When I left my job teaching, I'd luckily started applying like crazy for jobs and just emailing every company in my general area about a month beforehand, so the very day I left, I got an offer to move to where I am now (and so happy here still a year on!). It might take a while, but at least you can find where you want to be. Keep on with your freelancing too because that will definitely keep your motivation up (and help with the money situation too I hope!). I'm sure you're already on top of this already, but research every company you think you might like to work for in your area and email them just letting them know that you're available if they need you - that's how I got my job and also got put on a few contact lists for future :)
    Hope it all goes well, I'm sure that starting anew will be great!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Sian! I knew you had gone through the same kind of experience -- although you were a lot braver about getting out early. Today is my first day NOT going to work in TWO YEARS!! That's crazy haha.I'm going to take your advice and email some local companies I've interviewed with before -- and some I'm just really interested in! -- to see if I can get on their freelance list or even if they have any openings. :)

      xo, Michelle

      Delete

Thank you for commenting on Ellipsis! I try to reply to all comments, but replying on a blog post isn't always the easiest. If you have a question or want to start a conversation, don't be afraid to send me a message on Twitter @ellipsis_life. Thanks!