On Friday, I left my job very suddenly. It wasn't planned, but it happened.
I've tried hard not to mention it publicly, but I wasn't very happy at my job. I didn't find it exciting; I didn't have enough to do; and I felt like I really didn't fit in at it. For the past year, I've struggled with the worst depression I've ever been in... and I think my attempts to find a place in a job that just didn't fit made it worse and worse. I felt bored and trapped. When I got home, I didn't have energy to do anything. I would binge eat, sit in front of the TV, and feel sorry for myself. I had horrible nightmares and woke up dreading each day. It's incredibly draining to find each day more and more boring and to not see an end to it.
Needless to say, I'm a bit petrified. On one hand, I'm excited to move away from a job that made me hate myself and to find a career that I love. On the other hand though, I have a mortgage, a power bill, a dog that requires food, and other pressing responsibilities. I'm not at a point in my life where I can just flit about, but at the same time, I'm really done being miserable. It will be nice to have a break, where I can apply for jobs, take on freelance work, and improve my outlook a little bit.
My first and immediate fear, as I drove away from my job, was of course money. How will I pay my mortgage?!? I immediately started calculating how much money I had in my personal bank account, in our joint bank account, in our savings. When I got home and talked with Danny, he reminded me of something important: we both come from families who love and support us. We don't ask for handouts, but our family is never going to let us (or Remus) starve or go homeless. Not everyone has that kind of support system and it's not something I take advantage of or even want to, but it's comforting to know it's there. I really believe in supporting myself no matter what and via legitimate means.
Obviously, not having a job right now puts a lot of my plans on hold. I had some things planned for the next year of my life that seem a bit, well, hazy right now! That being said, I would rather have the future be a bit hazy than to be continually live in a state of stable and crushing depression. I've already spruced up my resume, written a freelance writing portfolio and pricing sheet, and sent emails to my various freelance contacts.
Already, on Saturday morning I woke up excited about the day... even though I didn't have anything to do. I cleaned the house, worked out, made myself breakfast, wrote emails, applied to jobs, and dug out my planner to help get myself organized. This is such a huge change to my days off in the past!
At first, I felt like a failure. I had walked away from a "stable" job feeling depressed and anxious, hating myself and wondering what I was going to do. I feel better now. I feel like this change, as sudden as it is, is the best thing that could have happened to me. It's a kick in the butt. I wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but I feel confident now -- more confident than I have in ages.