Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Happy New Year: A Few Resolutions & A Lot of Thank You

Pure truth: 2013 has been kind of a hellish year for me. I spent a lot of it anxious, afraid, and sad, and I spent more time than I really want to admit crying. There were more low points that I can list, but there were good spots too: I got married, went to Disneyland, started my first big freelance gig, and moved into a new house that is 100% my own. 

It doesn't really need to be said, but I'll say it anyway: I'm ready for 2014. I'm ready for it to be a different year, one that is hopefully better, where I make the right decisions and experience good times again. I'm ready to not be anxious and depressed anymore (and yes, I am working towards that). I'm ready to be more thankful, to be more able. 

So, thank you for reading this blog... 

if you followed me from Locked Out and even if you did it. Sometimes, it's really boring to be me and sometimes, it feels really hard, but being able to share my life with other people is hugely important to me. Writing is hugely important to me and having a space where even 5 people read what I have to say matters.

Thank you, Danny. 

For being my smooshy, for listening to me whine/cry/ask for something I just said I didn't need/want five minutes before. Thank you for loving me despite the ever-loving terror I have been for the past year (ok, year and half?) Thank you for Remus and letting me keep him even when he does really bad-dog stuff (like pee on the new carpet, puppy bite, and puke at 3am). 

Thank you, Mom & Dad. 

You're pretty much the most amazing people I know. Who else would: 1) put up with me and all my questions, 2) help me build, finance, and refinance a house, 3) help me move and clean, and 4) still want to spend a holiday with me? I don't think even I could do that for myself. 

Thank you to everyone and anyone who gave me a chance in the last year. 

There were times where I totally didn't deserve it. From my place of employment to my first real freelance client, a few brave souls took a pretty big risk in giving me a chance. (I'll admit it: I'm flighty and risky.) Thank you. I needed it. 

Thank you to my new friends & old friends. 

This year was, despite its stressful moments, its late teary nights, and its bleary exhausted mornings, the first year I really connected with people I work with. I've made some pretty good friends at where I work and I'm really thankful I have them (because they are amazing to bounce ideas off of). As well, the number of times my oldest friends have reached out to me in the last year has been shocking. I'm not the greatest at staying in contact with people, but it matters. It really does. 

A new year means a chance to start over, a chance to work on goals that were too overwhelming in the past. In the last few days, I've really resisted writing down resolutions. I wanted to wait until I was ready... but then, I'm not sure I'll ever be ready.

1. Get healthy. 

In the last year, I've consistently worked on everyday or as many times a week as I could. (I'll admit, right now, I only went to the gym 5 times in December. That's embarrassing.) My cardiovascular health has definitely improved, but I still have a long way to go. Recently, Danny and I have fallen into the unhealthy and expensive habit of saying, "What do you want for dinner?" and then going out and buying whatever. It's getting kind of ridiculous. So: More home cooked meals, less eating out, more being satisfied with what I have.

2. Take a chance. 

This is kind of a big one, because... I like being in control. I hate taking risks. I really do. But it's important. I took a really big chance back in November when I decided to close Locked Out. That was hard. There are still times where I want to go back, where I want to try to revert to a way I used to be by trying to do something that used to really make me happy, but doesn't anymore. I want to do more of that, more of the kind of stuff that makes me question if I'm right, if what I'm doing makes sense. I have some ideas in mind, all of them crazier and more terrifying than the last. I want at least one of them to happen.

3. Travel. 

For real this year. When Danny moved in with me back in June 2012, I swore that we'd travel: trips to the coast and Crater Lake and Portland and... none of it happened. Zip. Zero. Nada. This year, it's going to be different. We're going to take the time to go to all the places we want to go. We'll take pictures and make memories. That's important for us.

4. Read more.

I read a lot this year. I'm actually kind of proud of it. I think I definitely read more than 50 books -- probably closer to 75 or 80. I want to read as much or more in 2014. I want to be impressively well read this year. The big hits. The little hits. The nameless novels. I want to read the ones I missed this year and the ones waiting to appear in 2014. 

5. Work on it. 

I think one of the hardest parts of 2013 was realizing just how hard I have to work for some things. For emotional stability, for happiness, for my marriage, for my dog, for my home, for my career. Growing up, being an adult looks like hard work, but you don't really realize how much hard work goes into every aspect of life. It's overwhelming. 2013 was the year of realizing that; 2014 will be the year of actualizing that. 

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